Courage Starts With C

I have been so long on writing about this which is crazy to me since I think about it everyday. This post is not going to be the best writing but it will give you an idea of the ups and downs of what breast cancer surgery is like. WEll I should really say what MY surgery was like, because just like everyone's cancer is their cancer so is their experience...Let's begin...

I wasn’t able to fall asleep the night before surgery as I had to be at the hospital by 6:30am (not a big fan of 6:30am) I maybe did fall asleep perhaps around 3ish only to wake up at 5am realizing that my phone had died. I managed to get it plugged in and had a quick 20-30min nap then outta bed to the shower.

Tim dropped me off at the hospital and went park the car. I was seen for “pre-op” soon after Tim arrived at 3M clinic, “great” I thought, ” moving fast”… NOPE.. the nurse took my blood pressure and temperature then said ok see you later…. at 6:45am we exit sfgh.

Oh what I forgot to tell the schedule of events leading up to the actual surgery:

6:30am -sfgh check in
8:30am- UCSF Radiology in China Basin
10:30am- Avon Breast Center
then SFGH surgery clinic  ….

ok back to the events of the day

so it’s 6:45 and we had an hour+ to do nothing. Luckily we live 2 mins from sfgh so we headed back to the house where tim took a nap and I watch some ridiculous tv series about aliens in the water…

So @ 8am we head down to china basin. once again Tim drops me off and goes to park. By the time Tim got to the office I was already being seen. I had no idea what was going to happen and needless to say very scared. The radiology nurse assured me that it would not hurt. I was getting a PET scan, www.ucsfhealth.org/tests/003827.html,  She injected me (felt like a wee bee sting) with a chemical that searches for the closest lymph node path and then we walked to the scan room. I layed down on a super soft table thinking it would be really loud like an MRI but much to my delight it was suuuuper quiet. ZZZZZZZZZZZ I was out! about 30-40 mins later I was heading back to the SFGH Avon Center with Tim.

We parked and walked on down to the center where I was to meet up with my wonderful NP Diane Robbins who was going to stay with me for the rest of the procedure.

SIDE NOTE: Diane has been in a crucial support for me throughout this whole ordeal. She asked if she could be with me through this half since she did not really know what the events leading up to surgery were not to mention neither did I. Not only was she a comfort  & support to me as no one would have been able to be with me the whole time before surgery-and it was women only past the waiting room at Avon, but she now has gained the knowledge first hand to pass on to other women going trough this and be even more amazing and comforting and supportive.

Sooo, I get myself undressed waist up and wait. after a bit longer waiting for the doc to come in. Diane finds me and I realize that Tim won’t be able to be with me during this part so I head off to the waiting room to find him. I explain what is going to happen and the best thing for him to do for me is to give me kisses and hugs and tell me it’s gonna be ok then go home until they call to come pick me up. As supportive and caring and fabulous as my man is, it really was best he wasn’t there for the next part.

So we head into the “biopsy & mammogram” room and in walks that doc who has no boobside manner. I don’t remember her name and wouldn’t say it if I did but I was not happy.
A few weeks earlier for my 2nd MRI I was informed by her I may need another biopsy that day as well. I freaked and she did not really know what to do. I may have scared her abit actaully but either way she did not stay long for that MRI (btw..no biopsy was needed that day..good story though)

Turns out she was going to be the one to insert wires & dye into the area that was to be removed. I said very camly and strongly that I did not want her doing this procedure. I don’t know her and am not going to have another intern practicing on me. I asked for Dr. VJ. He had done my core biopsy and I really liked his approach. I knew he had just had a baby a few weeks before and it made me feel a bit more humanly connected. This is my boob we’re talking about ya know? I love them! So they rearranged his patient list and the other lady went to take over for him so he could work on me. I was feeling pretty proud of myself to stick up for my needs as was Diane. Did I mention how awesome she is?

So with Diane at the head of the bed holding onto my hand and giving me so much “you’re doing great” encouragement,  VJ proceeds to inject another 4-5 needles of lydocaine into my boob in order to numb it for the wire insertion. The wires are so the surgeon, Dr. Alvarado, knows the path to take to get to the cancer cells to remove them. they decide to do 2 wires…. not funny!!!

So the wires are in and sticking out. The docs then proceed to bandage them down under my arm without moving them inside my breast and trying not to have the exposed wires poking my armpit. Guess what’s next? A mammogram! That’s right it just keeps getting better! so wires in tact we walk to the mammogram room. Needless to say I am not in a pleasant mood and having my boob squished with wires in it was not on my bucket list. OK mammogram done.

We proceed to the waiting room and Diana goes to find out if the mammo shots were good enough. They had been calling down from O R  to Avon for me for the past hour and it was time to get this into the next phase.

A nurse finds me to tell me to go ahead and get my clothes and head over to the hospital. I swear the way I looked at her could have set her on fire! I said something like this …

ME: Do you have a bag I can put my clothes and things in
her: umm, no..
ME:So what you are asking me to do is grab my clothes, my cell phone and contact bag  from this locker, hold onto them simultaniously while I hold onto the bandages that are protecting the wires coming out of my boob? Are you friggin serious!? that is ridiculous!
her: umm i guess i could go find something
ME: You guess? don’t bother! try helping someone who isn’t bandaged up! THANKS!

i think i scared her but seriously how do they expect anyone to carry their belongings from one building to another?

Well being the resourceful  girl that i am, I waked out of that room into the main waiting room, grabbed a bag for wet umbrellas and put my things in it. The ladies at the desk were surprising pleased at my multi use of those bags. Seriously? Bags for umbrellas but not for clothes? That will for sure be going on my comment card!

So Diane finds me and we head over to sfgh. I get myself undressed and the nurse walks me to my pre-op bed. Its located in the hallway..grrrr… but oops forgot to remove my contacts so while I go do that Diane has my bed relocated to the nurses station tucked away from the masses of peeps waiting and moaning. whew!!!- at this point I have to say I am feeling pretty important right now.

Finally my anesthesiologist comes over to say hello. I nurse puts and IV in my hand and after signing the release for anesthesia I get what I have been looking forward to ALL day! you bet cha…liquid valium in my IV…mmmmmmm ok….enter my 2 surgeons for a quick hello then off to surgery. i remember kinda the mask going over my face and then waking up with a smile. Upon my waking I see Diane with a smile on her face as well. The first words I hear is IT IS NOT IN YOUR LYMPHNODES!!!! yeaaah!

next my post op nurse (awesome awesome lady as well) praised me on how happy I am upon wakaning. Apparently some people are not very nice. I can see that but I just got the best news so how could i not be happy. but hey nurse? how about a little percoset for the pain. nope still not working. sure I would love another one.

Diane calls Tim, Tim calls my mom and then he comes to get me. Diana took me down in the wheelchair and I finally introduced them. Take home me my love!

here is me on the stoop… not my prettiest shot…but hey I don’t really even remember this pic being taken sooo…

needless to say I spent the next week on my couch with a buffet of fruits and veggies and water at my fingertips and many ice packs and percs….and a mirad of ladies stopping by to hang out on the couch with me.

that’s all for now…. i know i know that was alot. hope you made it through..thanks for stopping by.

next up …..what are the alternatives?

Wow! Time moves reeeeaaally fast! Since my supplements post, I have had many many needles in my boob & arm and my hand, Mammograms & MRI’s and  nuclear injected CT scans. My breasts have been seen by more strangers than at burningman & I have cried so many tears I am surprised I still tear up. HOWEVER… A lot of those tears have been from the shear love and support that poured into my life the week after surgery. I really do not know how to express how much it meant to me to feel so much love. I could literally feel it in my heart. Thank you all!

the treatments of cancer beat down our immune systems and are expensive. the Natural  supplements that build our immune systems are also  expensive. Most treatments are covered under insurance Yet the supplements are not. How am  I or anyone for that matter who is not wealthy suppossed to regain health after cancer treatments?

Is this some sort of conspiracy to keep us sick?

Thoughts?

When I first went to the Avon Breast Cancer Center at sfgh for my mammogram and sonogram, I was sitting with my friend Jill and noticed 2 other women waiting as well.They were both alone, yet one in particular caught my attention. She was clearly scared and I felt her fear of the unknown results and wanted to reach out to her. But i didn’t. What would I say? Maybe she chose to be by herself. Maybe she had no one she could confide in. I could speculate as to the whys but what good would that do.

Reason number 2 for this blog . There are many women who are perhaps afraid of telling people they have breast cancer. It is, of course, a very personal experience that not everyone can share. hopefully she/he will find my blog and feel better knowing they are not alone. Even though I have an amazing boyfriend, incredibly supportive friends, and a loving family, I to find myself feeling alone. And then I cry.

I cry. A LOT. Sometimes it is just a few tears and sometime I sit in the dark in a corner and just bawl until I can cry no more. Luckily those moments are becoming less and less but the random tears, well they are everyday. I cry for myself. I cry for the sadness my friends and family are feeling for me. I cry for those friends who do not yet know about me  and I cry tears of joy that i found it early and I am going to be just fine. Maybe even healthier by the time it is all over. But the crying feels good. A release. A weight lifted if only for a brief moment.

When I heard the words “it is cancer” my heart dropped. I cried. I cried hard. My friend Eric was with me ,sitting outside on my sunny stoop, but i felt dark and alone. am far from alone but we feel what we feel when we feel it. Period. I cried some  more had a shot of Jameson to calm down a bit, got in the shower and went to work  boss and friend Debi came in and gave me a powerful burst of positive energy and support almost like my own personal cheerleader. I kept crying off and on and was then was rescued by my friend Liz, went home had a few glasses of bubbles and laughed a bit. Laughter really is the best medicine.

Of course I have to  say that Tim, the love of my life, coming home was what I needed most. He has been so patient with me and my freak outs  of emotion and doomsday blues that I could not imagine my life without him. And not just for the cancer support , but for the entire past year. I really do not remember my world before he danced into it!

There are so many people already that have sent cards emails and uplifting thoughts to me that I can already feel the power of universal healing beginning. Thank to to those already sending me the love and thanks to those of you who are about to.

This is just a “bump” in my road…